Amateur Numerology

I wanted to contribute to the growing discourse on the apocolypse. After all there are a lot of cool sites dedicated to it and while I'm certainly not an expert, I thought I could lend a bit of a scientific perspective to these guys.

Here's the theory: Suppose the number of the beast is really code for it's name. That's possible right? Cause names are pretty important. Some people, like the Kalabarians think names are very very important. They even describe attributes and characteristics of >700,000 names as diverse as Ersades or Crapface.

Anyway, names are important. So I thought I'd check out a few names to see whether the sum of the ASCII values in anyone's name yielded the number of the beast. Right off the bat I checked the usual suspects. Bill Gates, Osama Bin Laden, and George Bush are in the clear. So then I thought I'd screen a list of names. You'd think it would be easy to find big lists of people's names on the internet right? (say a phone book perhaps?) Wrong. In the 10 long minutes I devoted to it, the best I could find was a downloadable list of cat names. But here's the genius of it...cats are beasts. Number of the beast, list of beast names: it fits like a jig-saw puzzle! (Sometimes my cat hisses and looks possessed. No really, she's scary.) So here's a quick screen of 15,410 cat names:

666 turned up a single really disappointing hit. Ordinarily, that would be an awesome feat to pull one name out of 15410. However, not when that name is "Paw-bot". Who names their cat Paw-bot? Definitely not a name of terror. No, not a name to threaten existance. (probably)

However, people in the know rebuke the conventional wisdom of 666 in favor of 616...Now that number is loaded:

Amulet,Aubrey,Bopper,Bullet,Canyon,Cooper,Darius,Denton,Dynamo, Eskimo,Greyel,Grunge,Gung Ho,Hip Hop,Holmes,Hoodoo,Hootie,Hummel, Jonsie,Keykas,Kissie,KitKat,Lindor,Maduro,Mignon,Miribu,Moglet,Monday, Monger,Morgen,Narkis,Newark,Noonie,Orphan,Parkay,Peep-Bo,Peewer, Pernod,Pinnar,Puffer,Puffin,Qantas,Ray Man,Rocket,Sativa,Scylla,Sebbys ,Sikkim,Silvia,Singer,Smokie,Soleil,Sophie,Static,Steave,Tanner,Tom Cat, Tomcat,Touche,Tracey,Uglier,Zeezee

Wow, that's a list. It's strong in the gumshoe detective area, with (Sergeant) Monday, (Dick) Tracey, and (Sherlock) Holmes...but I think that's just misleading. The best target I can find, with my scientifically applied numerology is....Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish Take note, he's also the lead singer. That's my advice. Beware of Hootie. Just to be sure though, avoid anyone named Paw-bot too.

By the by, today's rapture index is 144. It's hot, humid, and I'm feeling a serious need to get my ass to church more often. Good night, and God bless.