A Modest Scientific Proposal

Scientists pride themselves on their objectivity. Part of the job requires that you suspend your personal biases to work solely with the conclusions drawn from the data at hand. Their job also requires that they push the boundaries in their search for answers. Whether that means cutting open cadavers, working with stem cells, or sacrificing animals in studies, sometimes the pursuit of answers takes them across moral boundaries. Scientists have to face these issues routinely, and they have to do the job professionally.

Engineers pride themselves on efficiency. A central theme of engineering is the struggle to do more with less. More mileage with less gas. Stronger bridges with less steel. Faster computer chips made cheaper. More sheets of toilet paper without compromising softness. Engineers are always optimizing something, whether it be energy requirements, material, labor, cycle-time, or ultimately cost. So one would think that bioengineers, steeped in these two cultures, would be professionally unsqeamish about being as efficient as possible...which leads to the proposal.

Some scientists do a lot of work with DNA. For all the non-scientists out there, DNA comes in a lot of different forms and has a lot of applications. It's used by enough people and laboratories that there is a very strong niche market for it. For instance, if you need a boatload of DNA and you don't care what the actual sequence is, you get DNA purified from salmon sperm. Salmon carry a lot of sperm and sperm itself is biologically designed specifically as a taxi for DNA. So somewhere, there are people who are employed by the collection of salmon sperm for laboratory procedures. If on the other hand you need human DNA, you generally get a phlebotomist (or a nurse or doctor if you work in that kind of lab) to do a blood draw. Now it turns out that because blood is mostly water and because red blood cells don't have nuclei blood is a terribly inefficient source of DNA. You can usually get enough for genetic tests, but it's a pain in the ass (plus wherever they stick you with the needle). That having been said, there aren't many other options for getting DNA from humans. Cheek swaps only get a few cells, and there aren't any tissues that living humans are willing to part with.

But there is one other bodily fluid that contains substantial amounts of human DNA. It's present in just under half the population (though over half of the average laboratory population). Unlike blood, this fluid is very high in DNA content, and does not require a phlebotomist, doctor, or any trained professional to obtain. Sampling does not even require a needle, and the donor experience is not considered painful (though there is still a prick involved). Some people have even been known to practice the withdrawal of this fluid for no productive purpose. The fluid could be used in most of the same lab procedures that use salmon sperm or blood. It would be equally effective and more efficient, saving money and time.

Still, despite the stoic professionalism of scientists and engineers, no one dares to use their own sperm in an experiment. Imagine trying to get that published.